Chapter 3: The Abortion Blouse - August 1, 2007

I of the Fish

Josh said the back of the bus was for the older kids and I had to sit further up with Nathan Pothearst, who had an older brother too. Nathan's brother and Josh made fun of my big ears and my long hair and said I looked like a girl. When I cried, they called me crybaby and made fun of Nathan until he cried too.

Mrs. Zimmer was my teacher. She taught me how to hold the scissors and carry a chair the first grade way. How to raise my hand when I had something to share. How to hold a pencil and write my name: J-U-L-I-U-S F-I-S-C-H-M-A-N.

In music class, everyone laughed when Matt Strunker made a joke. I made a joke too, but no one laughed.

How come no one laughed at my joke? At North Meadow Pre-School, everyone laughed at my jokes, but at Horace Mann Barnard Elementary, nothing. I told the same joke Matt Strunker told, and still no one laughed. The music teacher told Mrs. Zimmer I was disruptive. Michael Hsu told her I copied Matt Strunker. Michael Hsu was a rat.

Mrs. Zimmer wrote my mother's name on an envelope and pinned it to my shirt. Before getting on the bus, I took off the envelope and dropped it on the ground.

Josh made fun of me the whole way home. I took a swing at him, but he was stronger than me. He beat me up in front of the other kids. I was crying when Clarissa picked us up at the bus stop. She asked Josh why he beat me up, and he told her to fuck off.

I was in her room playing with action figures when Mom got home. Josh was watching Happy Days in the living room. Clarissa told Mom what Josh did, and Mom got mad.

- Who taught you that kind of language? Who said you could pick on your brother in front of other kids? You should kiss your brother's feet -- five years old and he can already add and multiply numbers. He can do at five what you can't do at eight, you little retard. Do you enjoy being a retard? Look at me when I'm talking to you! Nothing but a lazy, stupid, worthless little retard since the day you were born. I'm ashamed you're my son. In fact, you're not my son. You're a mistake. A mix-up at the hospital. You're the abandoned love child of some Gypsy, junky whore who must have fucked every retard in the neighborhood. Where are you going? Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you!

Josh stomped to our room and slammed the door. Mom didn't like it when you slammed doors, so she followed him in and hit him. I put a pillow over my ears, but I could still hear her hitting him and still hear him screaming and crying when she hit him.

Mom came to the bedroom where I was holding the pillow over my ears and told me Josh wouldn't pick on me at school anymore. She said lots of kids get picked on when they start a new school. She said that when she was a girl, her family had to move all the time, and she was always starting over at new schools. Her and Nanna Ruth and Uncle Alfie would live in the back of whatever shop her father was working in, and when the shop closed, or Poppy Harry lost the job, they would move again. She said the neighborhoods were always rough, and the kids always picked on her. To make matters worse, she said, when she was a girl, one of her eyes was crossed and the doctor made her wear a patch. Becuase she could only see out of one eye, she couldn't catch a ball or play sports, and the other kids called her a pirate. One time an older boy told her she was the ugliest girl in school, and when she came home crying, Nanna Ruth told her the boy was right and beat her up for crying.

Mom took off her stockings and let me wear her shoes. She brushed my hair in the mirror and put lipstick on my mouth. She took a needle from her sewing kit and stuck it in my ear. Then she took an earring and stuck it in the hole she made with the needle. Then she stuck the needle in my other ear and put in another earring. Mom told me to make sure my hair covered my earrings so Daddy couldn't see them. She said the earrings would be our little secret.

Mrs. Zimmer asked the class what country we lived in, and Jenifer Cohen said we lived in America. Jenifer Cohen wore glasses. She was always the first to raise her hand when Mrs. Zimmer asked a question. I disliked her immensely.

Mrs. Zimmer corrected Jenifer Cohen and said we lived in the United States of America, which was founded in 1776 after the Declaration of Independence.

Mrs. Zimmer asked the class what state we lived in, and Matt Strunker said we lived in New York. Mrs. Zimmer said that there are fifty states in the United States of America and New York is one of them.

Then she asked what city we lived in, and I raised my hand.

- We live in New York City.

Mrs. Zimmer said that New York City used to belong to the Indians until the Dutch bought it for 24 dollars and an oak leaf.

- Wait a minute, said Kenny Gutstein. You tellin' me they bought all of New York for twenty bucks and a leaf?

Mrs. Zimmer told Kenny that if he had a question, he had to raise his hand. So Kenny raised his hand.

- That musta been one hell of a leaf!

Mrs. Zimmer told Kenny not to use the word hell. Then she said that at the time the Dutch bought New York, a leaf was very valuable.

- You're tellin' me!

Mrs. Zimmer reminded Kenny that, at the time, New York wasn't a city yet. It was just a forest.

- If it was a forest, said Kenny, you got to figure it had some trees. And if it had some trees, why the hell would they sell it for a leaf?

Mrs. Zimmer told Kenny he was being disruptive.

- But he has a point, I said.

Mrs. Zimmer told us that if we didn't behave, we would get detention. Detention meant you couldn't play at recess, so me and Kenny behaved.

I had a playdate with Nathan Pothearst after school. Nathan lived in a huge apartment on Central Park West. He had a big black poodle named Pounce that tackled me when I came in the door. Nathan didn't have to share a room with his brother like I did. He had his own room with a pinball machine and a TV. He even had his own refrigerator filled with Mellow Yellow and Mountain Dew.

Nathan fought in a southpaw style while I employed an orthodox stance. He used his height to his advantage and stuck out his glove to keep me from coming in. Nathan was a good fighter, but slow. It wasn't hard to slip his jab, come in past the gloves, and hook to the body. But then Nathan surprised me with a lead left that grazed my earring. I screamed in pain. Nathan's housekeeper ran in and looked at my ear. She said it looked infected. She called Nathan's father, and he came right home. Nathan's father called my father, and he came over too. They looked at my ears and shook their heads.

Dad took me to see Dr. Safir and Dr. Begun. They took out my earrings, stuck me with a needle and gave me a lollipop.

When we got back to our building, Dad dropped me off at Abe and Sidonia's, where we listened to classical music and watched the boring channel on TV.

Sidonia poured a drink from a bottle and swallowed pills with her drink. She showed me old, dusty photos of her brother from before the war. She told me her brother was her best friend, not a bully and a shit like mine.

Sidonia told me her brother was a pilot in the US Air Force until he was shot down and captured by the Japanese. He was killed when the United States of America bombed the camp he was held at.

- He fought for democracy, said Sidonia, and look how democracy repaid him.

Abe told me that our government didn't care about her people. She didn't care about the soldiers who defended her, and she didn't care about her Jews.

Abe was a large, gentle man with a bald head, glasses, and a white mustache. He walked with short, heavy steps and drank his soup from the bowl.

Abe said that in the Soviet Union things were different. In the Soviet Union, there was a man named Lenin who organized all of the poor and oppressed people and led them to overthrow the powerful and the rich. He taught them the theories of Karl Marx, who wanted people to live by sharing instead of by greed.

Abe said that someday the working class in America would overthrow the government and change the mode of production. Then we wouldn't have people who were hungry and homeless. We wouldn't have people who worked all day but didn't earn any money. We wouldn't fight in stupid wars that killed people for no reason.

- Mengele is my hero, said Sidonia as she poured another drink from the bottle.

Abe told her to hush.

- Mengele was a genius, she said. He had the right ideas but the wrong people.

Abe spoke to her in the language of my grandparents so I wouldn't understand. They put a sheet on the couch and put me to bed.

That night, I looked out the window at the burnt-out building on the corner. There was a glow coming from inside of it. Manuel was standing in the window, calling to me.

- Hey Gutter Boy, he called. Come inside.

Then I saw Tasha and Ray-Ray's uncle in another window. And Baby Roast Beef in another.

- It's alright, Gutter Boy. Come inside.

* * *

Matt Strunker had to die. I told Nathan and Kenny my reasons at lunch.

- Everyone likes Matt Strunker more than they like us. But they don't know the real him.

- He's good at soccer, said Kenny. And the women take a shine to him.

Nathan said he was in.

Matt juggled a soccer ball in the field at recess. Kenny took the ball and kicked it over the fence. Matt asked why he did that and I pushed him. He pushed me back, and I kicked him. Then Nathan punched him in the head.

Michael Hsu ran and told Mrs. Zimmer. She blew the whistle and broke up the fight. She called me, Kenny, and Nathan into a room and closed the door.

- Who started, she asked.

Mrs. Zimmer said if we didn't tell her, we would have to sit in the big chair outside Mr. Spangle's office. Mr. Spangle was the principal. He stood nine feet tall, and so old, he graduated Harvard in the same year as George Washington.

- It was Fischman, said Kenny. He told us to kill Matt Strunker. He's got all these crazy ideas. I don't know why I listen to him! Don't make me sit in the chair, Mrs. Zimmer! Please God don't make me sit in the chair!

Kenny cried while Mrs. Zimmer pinned a note to his shirt. Mrs. Zimmer pinned notes to me and Nathan too, but we didn't cry. We just dropped them on the ground on our way to the bus.

With Mom away, everything was quiet at home. Dad let us stay up late and watch TV. Josh and I shot craps for action figures, and he won every time. He asked how much longer Mom would be at Nanna's, and Dad said he didn't know.

Outside, the terraces were covered with Christmas lights. I asked Dad if we could get lights on our terrace and a tree in the living room, but he said no. I asked why not, and he said because we're Jewish.

- Then why don't we switch, I asked, but he didn't answer. He was watching TV. He never answered when he was watching TV.

In the morning, on the bus, everyone was talking about the shots.

- Did you hear the shots, asked Nathan.

- I heard them, said Landon Gold. They woke me up. The police were outside my window.

- I heard them too, said Jenifer Cohen.

- I heard them too, I said, but that was a lie.

Mrs. Zimmer had been crying. She gathered everyone around her in the classroom and told us it was a sad day.

- John Lennon died today, she said. He was shot last night. I know some of you may have heard the shots, and I just wanted to make sure everyone understood.

Mrs. Zimmer asked the class if we knew who John Lennon was. Jenifer Cohen raised her hand.

- He was the singer in the Beatles.

Mrs. Zimmer said that was right. Then she called on Kenny Gutstein.

- He was a hippie who hated the war.

Mrs. Zimmer said that was right too. I raised my hand.

- He led the poor and oppressed people in the Soviet Union to overthrow the rich and powerful and take over the mode of production. He was in America so he could unite all the working people here and lead them to victory over the government that hates her soldiers and her Jews.

Mrs. Zimmer pinned a note to my shirt.

Josh had a sleepover that night so it was just me and Dad at home. He asked if I wanted to see a movie, and I told him I wanted to see Raiders of the Lost Ark.

On our way to dinner, we picked up one of Dad's clients. Her name was Erin. She was skinny with blonde hair and smelled like a department store.

Dad and Erin drank wine at dinner and kissed. They sat next to each other at the movie, but they didn't watch much. Which is too bad, because they missed a really good movie. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the best movie I've ever seen. It's better than Star Wars and Grease and much, much better than Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

We dropped off Erin at her building on the way home. She tickled me when she got out of the car and made me laugh. Then Dad turned off the radio and said we had to talk.

- I got a call from your school today, he said. Did Mrs. Zimmer pin a note to your shirt?

I said she did.

- How come I didn't see it?

I said it must have fallen off.

- What about the one she pinned on you after you tried to kill Matt Strunker?

I told him that one must have fallen off too.

- And what about the one from music class?

I forgot about that one.

Dad made me an offer.

- How 'bout you don't tell Mommy about Erin, and I won't tell her about the notes that keep falling off your shirt?

I told him he had a deal.

That night, Dad let me sleep on the couch. I thought about how nice it would be if Mom and Josh never came home. If it was just me and Dad forever and ever. And maybe Erin too if she wanted. We could go out to dinner and see movies every night of the week.

In my dream, Manuel threw a cigarette on the floor and sipped from a bottle of OS Beer.

- Tastes like piss, he said.

We were in a room in the burnt out building. Tasha and Ray-Ray's uncle sat by a broken window, looking for the pigs outside while Baby Roast Beef ate the cigarette butts off the floor.

- This building was a theater, said Manuel. Look what they did to my theater.

I could feel the warmth from the fire burning in the garbage can in the center of the room.

- Come to the fire, Gutter Boy. Come close so I can see you.

Manuel laughed and I could see his teeth, rotten and black, while he stuck a needle in Baby Roast Beef's paw.

- That hurts, said the goat.

- It's supposed to hurt. If it don't hurt, you're not doing it right.

* * *

Matt Strunker got the lead in the class play. I got the villain. We made our costumes in art class. Matt Strunker's was good, but Landon Gold's was the best. Nathan's was shapeless and brown like a pile of doody. It made the art teacher mad.

Parnell Walker Coleman gave Landon Gold two Jolly Ranchers to make his costume for him. Parnell was black like Tasha and Ray Ray, and he was always giving people Jolly Ranchers to do his work for him.

Mrs. Zimmer told us that black people used to be slaves. When they weren't slaves anymore, they still couldn't vote. They had to go to different schools, use different water fountains and ride in the back of the bus.

What was wrong with the back of the bus, I wondered. I liked the back of the bus. That's where Josh and the big kids sat. But black people, I guess, didn't like the back of the bus and wanted to sit in the front. Rosa Parks was a black woman who didn't want to sit in the back of the bus. They told her she had to move, and she said no. She marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the white people sprayed them with water and told their dogs to bite them.

But Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. believed in no hitting. He made speeches that convinced the President to let black people vote, sit in the front of the bus and go to school with white people. That's why Parnell is in our class.

Mom stayed in bed a lot when she came home. Clarissa came over to take care of her. Sidonia too. And Poppy Harry came over with Nanna Ruth. Dad bought her a new blouse, but Mom just rolled it into a ball and threw it. I guess she didn't like the blouse.

Mom called Josh into her room and told him he had to be nice to her from now on. He couldn't talk to her in that tone. He had to work harder in school, and he couldn't play little league until his grades got better.

Josh loved baseball more than anything in the world, so he told Mom he'd try. Mom told Josh that trying wasn't good enough. He had to do better than try.

Josh said he'd do better than try.

Mom told Josh that she didn't believe he could do better than try because he had promised to try before and never kept his word. She said that Josh was just lying to her again like he always did.

Josh said he wasn't lying.

Mom asked how she was supposed to know he wasn't lying since it was in his nature to lie and he never had any problems lying before.

Josh said he wasn't lying.

- What did I say about that tone, she asked.

- What tone, Josh asked, but he asked in a tone. I couldn't hear it before, but now I definitely could.

Mom started screaming. She said Josh couldn't play little league anymore and that made him cry.

- Why don't you just leave me alone, he asked.

- Butch!

My dad's name was Abel, but my Mom called him Butch. Whenever Mom wanted Dad to hit Josh she would scream Butch to get him away from the TV. Then Dad would come into the bedroom and hit Josh until Mom stopped screaming.

Josh cried in his bed all night. Listening to Josh cry made me cry and then Mom came in and hit us both for crying. She told us to go to sleep, but it was really hard to sleep when you were crying but trying not to cry.

Baby Roast Beef laid in a heap on the ground with flies buzzing around him and roaches crawling in and out of his fur.

- They'll turn my theater into a machine, said Manuel, as he warmed his hands over the fire.

Tasha and Ray-Ray's uncle wore a suit. He sat by the window, looking for pigs.

- They'll turn you into a machine.

I felt a sting on my shoulder, and when I looked up to see what it was, I saw Manuel sticking me with a needle.

- That hurts, I said.

- And no lollipop after.

* * *

All the parents came to see the play. I didn't have as many lines as Matt Strunker but I had more than Jenifer Cohen. And every time I had a line, everyone in the audience laughed. They laughed at my lines more than they laughed at anybody else's. I don't even know why they laughed, but I liked that they did.

Dad took lots of pictures of me in the play, but he never developed the film. Mom said I did a wonderful job. Josh said I sucked.

Me and mom were watching TV when Ronald Reagan became President. I thought she'd be happy because the hostages were coming home, but she said that times were going to be tough now. She said that Ronald Reagan didn't like Democrats and we were Democrats. She said he didn't like poor people, and we were poor.

- Why are we poor, I asked.

- Because your father doesn't make a living, she said. And what little he makes, he gambles away.

I told Mom that someday I would be President.

- You can't be President, she said. You're a Jew.

This Jew thing was becoming a real pain in the ass.

- But Mrs. Zimmer said anyone can be President.

Mom told me not to believe everything Mrs. Zimmer told me.

I went to Sidonia's and asked her if a Jew could be President.

- Nope, she said as she poured herself a drink from a bottle. Nor can a nig-nog, a spic Puerto Rican monkey, or a woman.

- The why did Mrs. Zimmer say anyone can be President?

Sidonia told me not to believe everything my teachers told me.

- But aren't you and Mom both teachers?

- Yup, she said. That's why we know they're full of shit.

We packed the car and drove for hours through the snow. Josh and I took turns throwing up in the back while Mom and Dad smoked cigarettes in the front.

We drove all the way to Kutcher's, a big lodge on a mountain with lots of Jews. Ug-Mug was there with his parents. They were happy to see us.

During the day, we'd ski, but at night, Mom and Dad would see the shows in the club while me, Josh and Ug-Mug played video games in the arcade. There was one where you were a rocket ship trying to land on the moon. There was another where you shot at space aliens who were marching toward you. Josh liked the sports games, but my favorite was Pac-man. Not that I was good at it. Ug-mug could turn off his hearing-aid and play forever on one quarter. I once saw Ug-mug play Pac-man until the screen split and became filled with strange numbers and symbols. And then he lost.

- Tha' booshi', he said.

The machine had to cheat to beat Ug-mug.

One morning at Kutcher's, we were eating in the dining hall when there was an announcement on the loud speaker.

- Haksheevu, haksheevu na. CBS has reported that the United States Men's Hockey Team has defeated the Soviet Union in the finals of the Olympic...

Before the announcement was finished, all of the Jews in the dining room jumped from their seats. They stood up and cheered. Old, bearded men hugged each other, kissed their children and took their wives by the hand. All around us was joy. Dad smiled and hugged Josh's head to his chest as everyone in the room began to sing:

God bless America. Land that I love. Stand beside her. And guide her. Through the night with a light from above....

Mom told me to sing, but I didn't know the words.

From the mountains. To the prairies. To the oceans. White with foam. God bless America. My home, sweet home.

Through clenched teeth, Mom told me to sing.

God bless America. My home, sweet home.

On the way home, I wondered why the Jews were so happy that the country that didn't care about them beat up the country that believed in sharing. I wondered whether I should believe my teachers, my parents, or Abe and Sidonia. Or Manuel. Everyone seemed to be telling me something different and nothing made any sense. I was always getting notes pinned to my shirt. I was called smart mouth by my teachers and chosen to play the villain in the school play. Josh told me I was ugly and looked like a girl. Dad didn't speak to me, and when he did, he said it was all my fault. And Mom scared the shit out of me.

When we finally got home to the big red building, Mom pointed to the corner across the street.

- Look, Julie, look!

There was an empty lot on the corner, all bricks and garbage surrounded by a fence. The burnt-out building was gone.

Posted by Judd Trichter at 5:25 AM

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